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A holy man speaks of peace
Lies; he knows of unrest
They bury a memory
In a box, I'm lain
In death

But it is not so!
I am here, still!
Perhaps not in life, but after

For I am a shadow in the trees
I am your good luck
I am the tear on your cheek
Hidden by rain

And now the heavens weep
While my family does also
If only they could see
Beyond this shadow!

But I see new horizons
Different seasons, different stars
Unfamiliar yet elegant
Just as beautiful as ours

And in new sky; a voice
That tells me wonders
Of no boundary
But the wonders that they are:
Just Imaginary

In life, opportunity,
In death there is none,
To make change in history.
What change have I done?
do you believe in an afterlife?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconluckysevin:
LuckySevin Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011
I believe in an afterlife and I liked the story!
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I can't decide between an afterlife and reincarnation, myself :s
i'm glad you liked it, thank you!
Reply
:iconluckysevin:
LuckySevin Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011
Your welcome! And you have a point Do we die and stay where we are or become another life?
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, then you have to consider the laws that govern the world after life. Perhaps in the next world both are possible, you know?
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:iconluckysevin:
LuckySevin Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011
Yeah you do but yeah maybe both ARE possible but we may never know seeing as how the dead keep many secrets
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the mystery of it all, but at the same time it's so frustrating because I can't know definitively if one way or another is true haha
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:iconluckysevin:
LuckySevin Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011
haha ya won't know till ya die and when you learn that ya can't tell a living person 'cause your dead hehe
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Exactly, that's why ghosts are so weird; they are in between both worlds
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(1 Reply)
:iconfausch:
Fausch Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
This is actually a great piece. The third stanza is great, as is the second-to-last and the last.

I can't particularly see anything wrong or out of place here. This piece is pretty golden, bro.
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you so much :D
Reply
:iconfausch:
Fausch Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welc. I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a peek at some of my pieces.
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You seem to be very interested by grunge music. I seem you have written some lyrics yourself and even illustrated a comic on the subject. If you are in a band, I think it would be great if you could include mp3 tracks of the songs you wrote
Reply
:iconfausch:
Fausch Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
As soon as I get some demos done, I'll keep in mind to pass something your way.
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay great :) thanks
Reply
:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Professional Writer
For me, the way I see it, I'm going to find out if there's an afterlife one way or another eventually. I try not to let it bother me when I'm in the here and now. I think the poem touches that - it's not the afterlife that we should be thinking about in our free time, but rather the many opportunities we have now to change something about our surroundings.

One overall thing I noticed that I'll comment on. I saw that near the end, the piece uses punctuation very regularly (and grammatically), but in the beginning, the piece avoids periods and grammar. Was that deliberate? I'm not sure what it's adding to the piece. A neat trick I use to keep myself from being tricked and distracted by the line-breaks is to go through the piece and take them out. Once the lines aren't line-broken anymore, I just go ahead and punctuate the poem as I would a piece of prose, and then add the line-breaks back in. Example:

A holy man speaks of peace. Lies; he knows of unrest. They bury a memory In a box - (or ; ) I'm lain In death.

Looking over the edits, I can guess why the lines avoided periods. It's a little choppy, no? Maybe there's a way to connect the lines or shuffle the words to avoid that? An example off the top of my head that I don't expect anyone to take seriously: "A holy man speaks of peace / and lies; he knows no rest / in his box. They bury a memory; / I'm laid to death"

Small grammar nazi nitpick: Lay = to place something somewhere ("I lay down my life and I had laid it down before"), while Lie = to rest (I lie on the bed where I had lain for hours"). Because someone is putting the narrator into the box, it would be "I'm laid" also being a transitive verb.

I'm liking the exclamation marks in the next stanza. They add to the voice, and it's neat to see someone who isn't afraid to have the lines sound excited/angry/emotional. Stanza two, I liked.

In stanza three, I get a real treat of images. They're not very vivid, because this could be any tree, any tear, and any cheek in the rain, so there is that element of vagueness that (in my opinion) is a missed opportunity (Why not a shadow in the poplar branches? Or oak? or birch? each tree has a wealth of associations tied to it, and a powerful symbolic history right there for the plumbing.)

I would be inclined to cut the transition in "For I am a shadow in the trees"; the line is so close to the stanza before it that the "for/because" is implied by proximity. Plus, to me, it sounds better. :)

I wasn't a big fan of stanza four. It seemed a dash stilted after the elegant mention of the rain and shadows. Maybe there's a way to reword it? I also have reservations about using cliches in poetry (heavens weep, for example) because cliches give my imagination nothing new, and I read to be amazed or startled or impressed by the world presented in a new way.

The next two stanzas had a beautiful and brilliant message, but I got a sense that the narrator was a little burnt out by that point, and started summarizing the situation, instead of showing me this "beauty", "elegance", and that very important "difference".

I'll be winding down now, but I just noticed one more thing I nearly forgot to mention. The piece starts out with a holy man/he, a memory, and then introduced the "I" narrator who is speaking. What happens to the holy man? Why was the holy man important? Is the holy man the narrator, or is the narrator the memory? Or...

It's not very clear. Of course, I love mystery in a poem as much as anyone does, but this snagged me as more confusing than mysterious. :)

I hope this helps and I'm glad I had a chance to read this piece. Please let me know if you have any questions about the stuff I said or wanna talk about it. Thank you for sharing, and good luck writing!

=nycterent

PS. Suture's Tips for Editing Poetry is a great article that discussed some of the things I mentioned. :heart:
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
This critique means a lot, thank you :)

Some things I'd like to mention:
"the holy man" indicates a funeral and a preacher speaking as a person is buried.

"Lies" are spoken in the sense that the peace is false.

I had no idea that certain trees had any symbolic significance.

I imagine the final two stanzas as the deceased giving a bit of advice to the living, reminiscing about their past and a longing to still be alive.

Thanks again for this critique! :3
Reply
:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Professional Writer
You're very welcome; I'm glad it was helpful.

Some things I'd like to mention:

-It doesn't make him any more relevant than before you explained.

-If you're referring to my discussion about "lie" and "lay" I wasn't talking about the "Lies" bit. I was referring to the misuse of "Lain"

-Everything concrete has symbolic significance.

-That's nice.


You're welcome again for the critique! :meow:
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I laughed out loud >.<
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:iconboo-hoo599:
Boo-Hoo599 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010   Writer
I think you've already been told but this is very good and original =D I like your view of the afterlife =D
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you thank you thank you :)
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:iconcherryberry-manga:
Cherryberry-manga Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010
Beautiful, wonderful, extrodiary. You are an amasing poet, i love this its very good!!! :glomp:
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much ^^
Reply
:iconchaotic-whispers:
Chaotic-Whispers Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this.

The whole idea of this kind of afterlife is really original and you described it well.

I like the idea of being "[a] tear on your cheek,
Hidden by rain."


I like the description of "new horizons, different seasons, different stars.".

It's really beautiful.
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very, very much. I greatly appreciate your criticism. :)
Reply
:iconchaotic-whispers:
Chaotic-Whispers Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Haha your welcome dear!
Reply
:iconkazaki03:
kazaki03 Featured By Owner May 21, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Of course! =)
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner May 22, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
If you were a ghost, what would you do? ;D
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:iconkazaki03:
kazaki03 Featured By Owner May 24, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I would go to the dreams of all of the important people in my life. =)
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner May 24, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:) and would you stay there forever, in the dreams of your loved ones?
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:iconkazaki03:
kazaki03 Featured By Owner May 25, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Probably. As long as they can and will remember me. =)
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner May 25, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You have good answers :3
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:iconkazaki03:
kazaki03 Featured By Owner May 26, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hehe, thanks! =)
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:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner May 26, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:gadget:
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:iconalallin:
alallin Featured By Owner May 24, 2010  Student Photographer
I know I would.
Sometimes I just wish I could go there now and get away from everything..
Reply
:icondarincroft:
DarinCroft Featured By Owner May 20, 2010
Beautiful poem
Reply
:iconphil314:
Phil314 Featured By Owner May 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you ^^
Reply
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